Amusing Headlines

[deluxestogie]

I have a notepad file on my computer desktop. Whenever I stumble into a headline that makes me laugh, I copy and paste it into that file.

Below is a sprinkle of them. Although political headlines are sometimes among the funniest, I've left those out.

[Dr. Michael] Beach cautioned that people shouldn't panic about the dangers of the brain-eating bug.
[AP, 9/29/07.]

[Ben] Phillips added, "If dinner can kill you, you have to be careful." [Univ. of Sydney]
[Live Science, 11/12/07]

"Don't nobody know nobody got hired."
Resident of coastal Louisiana, hoping to find oil clean-up employment.
[6/28/2010]

"Boston Butt in a Bag"
On grocery pricing label from a 4 lb. pork roast.
[7/28/2010]

"The bear attacked the man and killed him," said Yellowstone spokesman Al Nash.
The woman screamed out for help as the bear was attacking her husband. Nearby hikers heard the pleas and dialed 911.
News story
[7/06/2011]

No charges will be filed against Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice David Prosser over allegations he choked a colleague in June...
News story
[8/25/2011]

A robotic deer decoy used in Georgia had to be replaced in 2006 after being shot more than 1,000 times.
News story about nighttime deer poachers.
[10/9/2011]

"Only in Iowa will people come together to eat bacon-covered bacon."
NPR coverage of a festival.
[2/20/2012]

"You are two-faced, Mr. Lincoln!" "If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?"
NPR discussion on Abraham Lincoln
[4/10/2012]

"At 6:45 a.m. on August 5, 2011, a commercial airliner carrying 50 passengers, two pilots, and one flight attendant departed Madison, Wisconsin, bound for Atlanta, Georgia. Shortly after takeoff, a bat flew from the rear of the aircraft through the cabin several times before being trapped in the lavatory (2). The pilots were notified, and the aircraft returned to the airport. All passengers disembarked to allow maintenance crew members to remove the bat from the aircraft. The bat avoided capture and flew out the cabin door, through the airport terminal, and was seen exiting the building through automatic doors. After a search of the aircraft cabin for additional bats, 15 passengers reboarded the aircraft; 35 remaining passengers made alternative arrangements."
CDC MMWR http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6114a2.htm?s_cid=mm6114a2_e
[4/12/2012]

"If the climbers are thrashed during their journey, it would not give positive message to the country."
Re fight that occurred between European climbers of Everest and their Nepalese Sherpas.
[4/29/2013]

"A performance artist has been detained in Moscow after stripping naked and nailing his scrotum to the cobblestones of Red Square in a protest."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-24896784
[11/12/2013]

“The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant.”
John Stuart Mill

Pope tells Mafia to stop evil or prepare for hell
Reuters [22 Mar 2014]

"We look like our livestock now."
Mark Schatzker, in Salon [6 Jun 2015]

"...the researchers found that those with a full bladder were able to better disguise the lies they told, as evidenced by an inability by the interviewers to detect signs of lying by the volunteers. They also found that those with a full bladder gave longer more detailed answers when lying, perhaps in an attempt to cover their lies better."
[Controlling the bladder makes better liars, Consciousness and Cognition, Volume 37, December 2015.]

Harvard debate champs lose to team of prisoners.
Next up, a debate with the parole board? The Ivy League's finest debate team was defeated by a team of prisoners from a maximum-security prison in New York state.
USA Today [7 Oct 2015]

A squirrel (nicknamed Olivio) trapped in the small, circular opening of a manhole cover is rescued.
"The BBC was unable to verify the size of Olivio's behind."
[12/8/2016]

70 New Mexico Health Department employees get sick after Holiday party.
[12/22/2016]

BASE Jumper Speaks Out From Hospital Bed...
[Headline of news story. 12/30/2016]

Self-Driving Cars Could Cause a Massive Organ Shortage
[Headline from Popular Mechanics.12/31/2016]

Hi, I haven’t tried the recipe yet but is there a substitute for the matzo meal?
[Reader comment, below a recipe for Matzo Ball Soup. 12/15/2016]

It would only take spiders 1 year to eat everyone on Earth
[Headline--The Week Magazine 03/28/2017]

Bob

 

[ChinaVoodoo]

Fake news:

"Only in Iowa will people come together to eat bacon-covered bacon."

Good laugh all together. Thanks Bob.

 

[greenmonster714]

Good stuff Bob.

 

[LordPipestoke]

My favourite headline of all time is from 2004, and was a front page on a Danish tabloid newspaper. It takes a little explanation and I suppose will lose most of its punch that way.

Denmark and Sweden share much history. Denmark has ruled over Sweden several times through history and Sweden has knocked the crap out of Denmark in several battles, too. Our languages are nearly identical – as are our cultures. We often refer to each other as 'brother nations.' That said, there is an intense and fiery rivalry between the two, especially in sports. It's mostly good-natured, but the joke is to pretend that it isn't.

One more bit of information: Much closer to Sweden than to Denmark, lies the island of Bornholm. Much-loved by Danes and has been Danish all the way through with, I believe, only one very brief period when it was Swedish.

Now to the story. And I'm taking far too long with this.

In the 2004 European Soccer Championships, Denmark and Sweden were in the same group at the group stages of the tournament. From each group of four, two teams qualify. Sweden were leading the group and sure to go through. Denmark needed a draw with the score 2-2 (or better) to make it through.

The headline read:

2-2 And You Get Bornholm

 

[deluxestogie]

I see you've saved the paper for 13 years. I assume it was published after the game. It appears that Denmark was offering Sweden the island for charitably giving Denmark a tie (2-2 draw on 22 June 2004). I gather that Denmark still owns Bornholm.

Boy. That was a tough one (took me ~20 minutes of re-reading and some Googling to figure it out), but good. Definitely localized humor.

Bob

EDIT: Your explanation was essential, since the Danish headline has zero impact otherwise.

 

[DIY Pete]

Fake news:


Good laugh all together. Thanks Bob.

No, actually its not fake news.

http://www.blueribbonbaconfestival.com/

They have the Bacon Fest every year. It's a lot of fun and a cardiologists dream or nightmare depending on perspective.

Pete

 

[LordPipestoke]

I see you've saved the paper for 13 years. I assume it was published after the game. It appears that Denmark was offering Sweden the island for charitably giving Denmark a tie (2-2 draw on 22 June 2004). I gather that Denmark still owns Bornholm.

Boy. That was a tough one (took me ~20 minutes of re-reading and some Googling to figure it out), but good. Definitely localized humor.

Bob

EDIT: Your explanation was essential, since the Danish headline has zero impact otherwise.

The paper was published before the game, on the day it took place. But yes, the Swedish team was quite considered quite superior to the Danish one at the time.


And yes, Bornholm of course remains on Danish hands. Although the game did end 2-2.

 

[Tutu]

I remember that game very well. Whereas you were laughing about headlines in the newspaper, you left a lot of Italians very angered. They were furious about this so called 'Scandinavian Pact'. I remember laughing at it a bit back then. Four years prior to that, Italy had beaten the Netherlands on penalties in the semi final. Thus, not much Italian sympathy from my side. Thanks for bringing up the memory with a lovely headline to go with it!