BarG
Founding Member
Heh heh, Zuma has it all figured out.
Jokes and Joshin'
- Thread starter Jack in NB
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ChinaVoodoo
Moderator
I laughed my ass off, and had to share.
Gmac
Well-Known Member
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
Gmac
Well-Known Member
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Yes, we already know
bonehead
Well-Known Member
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150".
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150".
ChinaVoodoo
Moderator
Johnny was walking past grandpa's house one day. Grandpa was out on the porch in his rocking chair, smoking his pipe. Grandpa looks over and Johnny is carrying a roll of duct tape. Grandpa says, hey Johnny.
Johnny says, hey grandpa.
Grandpa says, where you going with that duct tape Johnny?
Johnny says, I'm going to catch some ducks grandpa.
Grandpa says, you can't catch ducks with duct tape, Johnny.
Johnny responds, you'll see grandpa.
Half an hour later, grandpa sees Johnny, and he can't believe his eyes. Johnny has a duck in each hand...
The next day, grandpa's out on the porch, rocking, smoking his pipe. He sees Johnny coming along, carrying chicken wire. "hey Johnny! "
"hey grandpa "
"where you going with that chicken wire, Johnny?"
"gonna catch some chickens, grandpa. "
"you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, Johnny."
"you'll see grandpa."
Half an hour later grandpa sees Johnny coming along, and lo and behold, he's got a chicken in each hand. Grandpa can't figure out out. Scratching his head....
The next day, grandpa's sitting out on the porch, smoking his pipe and rocking in his chair. He spots Johnny coming down the road. This time he sees Johnny is carrying some pussy willows.
"Hey Johnny!"
"Hey grandpa!"
"Hey Johnny, hold on, let me get my coat."
Johnny says, hey grandpa.
Grandpa says, where you going with that duct tape Johnny?
Johnny says, I'm going to catch some ducks grandpa.
Grandpa says, you can't catch ducks with duct tape, Johnny.
Johnny responds, you'll see grandpa.
Half an hour later, grandpa sees Johnny, and he can't believe his eyes. Johnny has a duck in each hand...
The next day, grandpa's out on the porch, rocking, smoking his pipe. He sees Johnny coming along, carrying chicken wire. "hey Johnny! "
"hey grandpa "
"where you going with that chicken wire, Johnny?"
"gonna catch some chickens, grandpa. "
"you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, Johnny."
"you'll see grandpa."
Half an hour later grandpa sees Johnny coming along, and lo and behold, he's got a chicken in each hand. Grandpa can't figure out out. Scratching his head....
The next day, grandpa's sitting out on the porch, smoking his pipe and rocking in his chair. He spots Johnny coming down the road. This time he sees Johnny is carrying some pussy willows.
"Hey Johnny!"
"Hey grandpa!"
"Hey Johnny, hold on, let me get my coat."
One day a farmer buys a new young rooster and puts it in with his flock of chickens. The young studly rooster sees the old rooster of the flock and says to him.. Your days of being king stud are over old man, I'm the new stud in town. The old rooster says.. I'll tell you what, let's race around the farm. If you catch me I'll willingly concede. I will bow my head and give you no trouble,
So, the new rooster agrees. The old rooster takes off, pursued by the new stud. They round the corner of the farmhouse where the farmer is sitting in his rocking chair smoking his pipe. As they round the corner the farmer picks up his shotgun and blows the new rooster away.
Shaking his head as he puts his gun back down he says.. Dam, that's the 3rd gay rooster I've had this month!
So, the new rooster agrees. The old rooster takes off, pursued by the new stud. They round the corner of the farmhouse where the farmer is sitting in his rocking chair smoking his pipe. As they round the corner the farmer picks up his shotgun and blows the new rooster away.
Shaking his head as he puts his gun back down he says.. Dam, that's the 3rd gay rooster I've had this month!
A little old, but still funny. Happy Holidays
Brown Thumb
Well-Known Member
The dude should have bought her a Dyson. My wife loves hers.
Gmac
Well-Known Member
One day Oniseme & Henri was down at the local joint drinking dem Jax beers. Oniseme axed Henri if he passed fo him would he do him a favour. Henri him he said "Sho; what it is?"
Oniseme he say, "Wood you mine poing a fifth on my grave every year on my birdday?" "No Prob," Say Henri; "But wood it be alrat fo me to filter it through my kitneys fo I done dat!"
Oniseme he say, "Wood you mine poing a fifth on my grave every year on my birdday?" "No Prob," Say Henri; "But wood it be alrat fo me to filter it through my kitneys fo I done dat!"
ArizonaDave
Well-Known Member
True story. Working on wrapper leaf the other day. Pulled out at least 3 in a row that had the same exact holes in them. Then, I lifted the stack of leaves..........and found my scissors!
ChinaVoodoo
Moderator
Kind of a relief, actually? I would'a been thinking beetles.
ChinaVoodoo
Moderator
Gmac
Well-Known Member
When you see one of your baldheaded friends look to the side and say, "I'm going to tell you a joke that will knock the hair off your head," then look straight at them and rub your eyes and say, "Oh, you must have already heard it." Works with white hair, etc.
All ya'll bald men, & going to be, Don't wear a white turtleneck, makes you look like a roll-on deoderent.
Gmac
All ya'll bald men, & going to be, Don't wear a white turtleneck, makes you look like a roll-on deoderent.
Gmac
Smokin Harley
Well-Known Member
a cure to get rid of crabs ...pour vodka on the affected area then rub sand in it ...then the crabs get drunk and throw rocks at each other.
Ben Brand
Well-Known Member
Gavroche
Well-Known Member
Gmac
Well-Known Member
Same thing with fire ants: My Cajun Uncle said "pour Cayenne pepper on the hill, It won't kill dem but they'll get the red ass and leave town."
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